Michael Jackson: My Memories, My Muse, My Moon

Have you ever reached up at the moon, trying to grab it? You know you’ll never touch it, but you keep stretching, hoping to somehow hold it. As impossible as it is, you still try. As a journalist and fan, that was Michael Jackson to me, that untouchable moon, a magnificent entity that I could never reach, but I would always continue to try.

There was never a time when Michael Jackson wasn’t a part of my life. Even though he had reached superstardom in his solo career before I was born, his impact has lasted into my adulthood. My dad would play the “Thriller” album repeatedly when I was little. Unfortunately, I scratched it until it was unplayable as I would manually push the record backwards in an attempt to “rewind” it. My dad wasn’t too happy about that, but that’s how much I enjoyed listening to Michael! He had such a soothing, melodic voice that put me into a trance. Anyone who knew me back then (and even now) would joke by saying, “Someone has a crush (on Michael)!” But I also didn’t know anyone who didn’t play his music. I was totally surrounded by his essence.

In 1987, when I was four, I remember sitting in the living room in my old house watching MTV. As much as I enjoyed pretty much every artist, no one would captivate my attention like Michael. I thought he was cute, too. But no matter what he looked like or what he was doing, he was still him, the man who would make my girly child heart swoon.

I don’t know when my deeper fascination for him began. I don’t think there was a starting point, it just was. The more fascinated I was with him, the bigger the personal connection I wanted to have with him. It was with this feeling in my heart that I made my first proclamation at four years old: I wanted to become a writer/journalist. I figured that if I became famous enough, I’d have a chance at meeting Michael in person. I really was making an “adult” career choice with a “kid’s” mind and thought.

But then something amazing happened. My parents took me to Disneyland and there I saw the (then) new 3-D attraction called “Captain EO,” which starred Michael Jackson. I remember how magical that moment was for me. Wearing the 3-D glasses, I saw Michael come right off the screen and I would try desperately to touch him. Somewhere in my mind I thought maybe I really could feel him right in front of me. I mean he was literally right in my face! But I knew he wasn’t actually there, but I would continue to try.

During my high school life, I kept building on my Michael knowledge. When I was 18, all of my passion came out into my Halloween costume: I was Michael Jackson…within reason. I painted my visible body parts with some cheap white paint, had the curly hair, white T-shirt, black pants with décor, and silver boots. The only thing I was missing was the hat and sequined glove. I also did my senior research paper on his career. Ten pages all about Michael Jackson. I spent more time on that paper than paying attention in class.

Fast-forward to 2009. I’m now a student at University of Washington Tacoma working toward a degree in communications. I’ve just begun my first internship, at the Tacoma Weekly, and the first steps toward possibly getting that interview with the man himself. Starting in April I began my life as a journalist. But then…

On Thursday, June 25, 2009, I was awakened by the phone, and kept getting phone call after phone call. I didn’t pick up the phone right away. I went onto Google and I saw it: “Michael Jackson has been hospitalized.” I clicked on the link and it said he had cardiac arrest but they revived him. My phone rang again, and it was my dad. I told him that I had heard. As I was talking to him, I went to AOL.com to see their reports. First thing I see: “Michael Jackson had died” according to TMZ. I didn’t believe it (because it’s TMZ) and I told my dad that I was seeing two stories now.

I began to feel numb, I needed to know. I turned on the news and still saw unresolved questions. I went on Facebook, see what everyone was saying. Still no definite answers, everyone wanting to know as much as I did. Then I began seeing reports… “Michael Jackson dead at 50.” I began to choke up a little. Like a kiss of death, all sources confirmed he was gone. I went back online, hoping that someone would say it’s not confirmed. Nothing…just like that, he was gone.

Later, when I was going to bed, all I could do was just lay there, trying to sleep, trying not to think about it. But all I could do was think about it – where do I go from here? If I made it big as a journalist, so what? My purpose was gone. But you know what? As I lay there, another question came into my head. “If I were to write an article about Michael Jackson, how would I go about it?” That question brought me back to my purpose. Michael wasn’t the only reason I wanted to be a writer. My love of writing, the joy I got in writing, were still there. I realized that Michael was an encouragement because he loved words. The most honest he ever was was in his words. Everything he was feeling came out through his words. And that’s how I express myself. I want to tell the world that I love Michael Jackson. He inspired me, he’s my muse, and always will be. Just because my goal is gone, my dream will still live on.

That’s why I’m writing this. This is my article to, for, and about Michael. Michael never stopped writing, and neither will I. And I have him to thank for that. He made me strong as a writer. What hurts the most about his passing for me is that I’ll never be able to personally tell him how much I appreciated him on so many levels. But I hope my feelings will reach him and the masses. I wish I could thank him for being him, so that I could find my purpose and be me. As there are many stars in the night sky, there is only one moon. Michael will always be my one and only moon.

If you are a fan of Michael Jackson, or want to leave a comment about the pop star, please follow me on Facebook and/or join my Michael Jackson discussion group “The Essence That Is Michael Jackson.” All are welcome! Also, feel free to find me on Youtube (screen name Cabbitness1983).

 – Cee Cee Robins

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